In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate.
Peace be upon you all. Wherever you are, may Allah keep you safe, healthy, and protected. This is not just a story — it is a deeply personal journey through anxiety, panic attacks, depression, spiritual confusion, emotional trauma, and the struggle to survive.
What started as a sudden panic attack in 2008 completely transformed my life. At the time, I had no understanding of anxiety disorders, mental health, or panic attacks. I believed I was dying.
But to truly understand how it all began, we need to go back to my childhood.
Childhood Sensitivity and Emotional Isolation
Growing Up as a Highly Sensitive Child
Since childhood, I was extremely emotional, sensitive, shy, and introverted. I spent most of my time alone, often feeling sadness without fully understanding why.
People who grew up in the 1990s may understand this better. Children were raised with strict rules, emotional expression was limited, and sensitivity was often misunderstood.
Because of this, I escaped into books.
How Reading Changed My Personality
I developed an intense passion for reading at a very young age. What began with mystery digests and spiritual magazines soon turned into a deep obsession with literature, philosophy, poetry, and spirituality.
Even though I could not fully understand everything at that age, my vocabulary and imagination expanded rapidly.
The Beginning of Spiritual Curiosity
The writings of Ashfaq Ahmed, Bano Qudsia, Manto, and Ismat Chughtai deeply influenced me emotionally and spiritually.
A strange fire awakened inside me.
I became obsessed with questions like:
- Who am I?
- What is the purpose of life?
- What is spirituality?
- How can a person discover their true self?
This curiosity slowly pushed me toward:
- Meditation
- Spiritual practices
- Telepathy
- Palmistry
- Sufism
- Mysticism
At the time, it felt exciting. But I did not realize how deeply it was affecting my mind and emotions.
How Overthinking and Isolation Began
As my reading increased, I became mentally disconnected from people around me. This is something many highly intellectual or sensitive individuals experience.
The more knowledge I consumed, the more isolated I became.
My friends could not understand my thoughts, interests, or conversations anymore. Gradually, loneliness became a permanent part of my personality.
At the same time, the traditional education system started feeling meaningless to me. I lost interest in memorization, exams, and academic routines.Inside me, confusion was growing rapidly.
Struggles With Career, Identity, and Emotional Trauma
I entered web development, SEO, design, and technology-related work. Although I faced failures in formal education, my memory and learning ability were extremely strong.
Over time, I became highly skilled in:
- Web Development
- SEO
- Information Technology
- Literature
- Philosophy
- Spiritual Studies
But while my knowledge increased, my emotional stability decreased.
The Dangerous Split Between Professional Life and Spiritual Life
I was finally earning well. My monthly income had become impressive for that time, and outwardly my life looked successful.
But internally, I was divided.
One side of me wanted:
- Success
- Money
- Creativity
- Recognition
The other side wanted:
- Spiritual awakening
- Sufism
- Meditation
- Inner purity
I constantly moved between worldly ambition and spiritual obsession.
That inner conflict slowly destroyed my peace.
The First Panic Attack That Changed Everything
One morning after taking a bath, I suddenly felt something terrifying.
My heartbeat became extremely fast.
I could not breathe properly.
Darkness covered my vision.
I felt absolutely certain that I was dying.
Then I collapsed.
That single moment completely changed my life forever.
At the hospital, doctors gave me injections and sedatives, but nobody properly explained what was happening to me.
I truly believed my heart had failed.
How Panic Attacks Took Control of My Life
After the first attack, the panic attacks became frequent.
Every day brought new symptoms:
- Racing heartbeat
- Breathlessness
- Chest pain
- Dizziness
- Fear of death
- Insomnia
- Gastric problems
- IBS symptoms
- Trembling
- Extreme fear
At night, I would suddenly wake up feeling as if death had arrived.
I stopped sleeping peacefully.
I became terrified of my own body.
Hospital Visits, Medicines, and Endless Fear
Searching for a Cure Everywhere
I visited:
- Cardiologists
- Gastroenterologists
- Emergency rooms
- Traditional healers
- Homeopathic doctors
- Spiritual healers
I spent huge amounts of money searching for answers.
Doctors initially diagnosed:
- IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome)
- Gastric problems
- Acid reflux
- Stress-related illness
I was prescribed multiple medicines, including sedatives and sleeping pills.
Some medicines temporarily calmed me, but many made things worse.
How Anxiety Destroyed My Physical Health
Rapid Weight Loss and Physical Weakness
Before anxiety, I weighed around 75–80 kg.
Within months, my weight dropped close to 45–55kg.
My body transformed completely:
- My ribs became visible
- My skin lost its color
- My face became pale
- My energy disappeared
I looked like a completely different person.
The fear was constant.
Every sensation felt dangerous.
Turning Toward Religion and Spiritual Healing
Searching for Peace Through Faith
Eventually, I turned fully toward religion.
I grew a beard, started praying regularly, and spent long hours making dua and seeking forgiveness from Allah.
At the same time, I became dependent on medications like Alprazolam (Xanax) for sleep because I was terrified of dying in my sleep.
Despite everything, faith became one of the few things keeping me alive.
Nine Years of Anxiety, Fear, and Survival
Living Between Hope and DespairThere were days when survival itself felt impossible.
Yet somehow, Allah continued providing sustenance, strength, and opportunities to keep moving forward.
Even during my worst years, I continued freelancing, teaching, and working in technology whenever I could.
What Anxiety Taught Me About Life
The Hidden Reality Behind Mental Suffering
Anxiety is not just “stress.”
Panic disorder is not imagination.
Depression is not weakness.
When someone suffers mentally, their entire body, personality, emotions, relationships, and identity can collapse together.
Many people silently suffer while appearing normal from the outside.
Summary:
This journey was not simply about illness.
It was about sensitivity, emotional trauma, overthinking, spiritual confusion, loneliness, fear, and the search for meaning.
My panic attacks did not appear from nowhere. They were the result of years of emotional pressure, unresolved trauma, intellectual overload, spiritual imbalance, isolation, and inner conflict.
But despite years of suffering, one thing remained true:
Allah never abandoned me.
And sometimes, surviving your darkest years becomes the beginning of understanding yourself for the very first time.
**How Anxiety, Panic Attacks, and Spiritual Confusion Changed My Life Forever**